Hardest blog I have ever written

I started blogging to keep a record for my children and to keep family and friends up to date on what is going on in our lives.  Over the years it has become therapeutic and I have found joy and comfort in sharing our family news both happy and challenging.  I have also learned that in sharing my story I can’t leave parts out for fear of judgment or embarrassment.  If it is going to be helpful to anyone else I have to be honest and real.  This entry brings tons of heartache but hopefully some healing as well.

For the past several months I have avoided blogging because our family has been in a painful transition.  In the beginning of June Monty and I separated and are now going through a divorce. I feel ashamed and like a failure.  Marriage is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I was not successful at it.  The divorce process is painful and hard for everyone involved.  When a couple does not agree in marriage it is not likely they will agree through a separation either.  The good news is what Monty and I do agree on is parenting and at this point it is what is most important.  We both love our children and want to minimize the impact on them.

I have made so many mistakes along this journey…. I often think to myself if I could go back I would change so much, but then I think of how grateful I am for my life right now even amidst these challenges.  I am grateful for Monty and the years we have had together.  He has blessed me in so many ways I would not be who I am today without him.

So today I am just putting one foot in front of the other.  Emotionally exhausted and fragile but hopeful and looking forward to the day when I can look back and be grateful for the experience and reflect on how much I learned in the process.

It's a circus

It takes a little time to figure out who everyone is and their roles in the life of a foster baby that has been placed in your home.  I’m not sure I have my head around this one yet…..

The worker came yesterday for a home visit and filled me in on baby Maddie’s family and case she described court as a “circus”.

Maddie has a legal dad because her mother was married to a man years ago and they never officially divorced. They have been separated for years and both of their lives have moved on.  The legal dad lives out of state but flew in (with his girlfriend of  many years) for the court hearing and announced that he wanted custody of Maddie.  Again there is no blood relation and he and Maddie’s mom have been separated years.  It is making everyone scratch their head.  The worker believes it is strictly to get back at Maddy’s mom.  The mom is going to quickly file for divorce but he or his family could still be a placement option.

She also has a bio father that has not shown up to court and has past criminal charges that would keep him from being a viable option for placement now. Maddie’s mother is living with the bio dad’s mom and cousin and they have asked for custody of her.  The grandma is partially disabled and the cousin has to go away to “work” somewhere for three months.  The home has mold and would need to be cleaned up before placing the baby there so that also will not be an option at this point. There are a few other players that but at this time are not worth mentioning.

Maddy’s mom has accepted that she needs help and has been extremely honest about her mental health and years of drug issues.  She is completing assignments on her case plan before even being ordered by the court.  The worker thinks she is genuine and just need someone to believe in her.  Well it looks like Maddie came to the right home because if this mom is real I want to be on her team!  I want to help her get her baby back or at least be a mother to her in whatever capacity she is able.  The worker is going to get her some clothes and take her for job interviews next week.  We will also plan a visit were I can meet her hopefully give her some comfort about who is caring for her baby.  The worker asked if I could be at the next court hearing and was very appreciative at my openness to meet her.  Who know what will happen in little Maddie’s life what I do know is everything happens for a reason and she is here with us now and I want to love her and support her mom anyway I can.

Maddie is very healthy and quickly outgrowing her preemie status.  She is a good eater and beautiful.  A little high maintenance but I guess that’s to be expected at her age.

 

 

 

Quick family update:

My procedure was a little more complicated than thought and my recovery was longer than I planned.  Everything turned out okay and besides the bills that are pouring in I am happy to have it behind me.

The kids are back in full swing of soccer.  Every one of our foster kittens has been adopted.  Besides being exhausted from a newborns schedule we are all well.