Lexy's story (I shared for the GAL program)

I worked in the system of care with abused children, and parents that required supervised visitation with their kids due to their troubles, for 10 years before my husband and I became foster parents. I thought I was informed, but it wasn’t until the placement of our severely abused foster daughter that I discovered how much I had to learn. During this time I was introduced to a very important person in the lives of our children in care. Tons of people evaluated, looked at, talked to, worked for and on Alexis’ case, but it was undoubtedly her Guardian ad Litem (a volunteer position ) that was most dedicated and worked the hardest to find out what was truly best for her. Before our personal journey I knew very little about the program, but through our process I learned they are really the silent heroes, working for a population of youth that can’t speak for themselves. I can take you back to the day we got the call, and tell you little of our story…it was April 1 2007…..we received a call from our agency telling us that we were licensed, and asking if we were willing to take in a 19 month old little girl. She was being released from a week in the hospital due to abuse. Of course we jumped at the opportunity to care for her. Our worker warned us that she was pretty beaten up, so we would be “prepared” when she arrived. Nothing could have prepared us for the way she looked when she came to our home. She had multiple skull fractures, two black eyes, bruising all around her neck and cheeks, and most of her hair had been pulled out. She was skinny and pale, but she came into our home with a huge smile, laughing, hugging and trusting. She was assigned a case worker (we had 3 of those, before she was adopted), a child protection investigator, a behavioral specialist, and our family development specialist….just off the top of my head. Many of them were kind and helpful, but Lexy’s guardian was the ONLY worker that was with her from the very beginning until the day of adoption. Kathryn St. Clair was Alexis’s Guardian ad Litem (or what I like to call her Guardian Angel). Kathryn is a retired CEO of a non-profit who lives in Sun City Center. She devotes much of her time to volunteer organizations, one of those thankfully being the GAL program. Kathryn visited our house monthly, occasionally unannounced, to talk with us and check on Lexy’s progress. She would tour our home for safety and assure Lexy had everything she needed to thrive. This was our first foster child; we would not even have known that we were allowed to go to the court hearings if Kathryn had not encouraged us to so we could stay informed to better care for Alexis. It also helped the judge see our dedication to her.


Alexis’s mom was charged with the abuse and signed surrenders of her maternal rights. Her case went to trial and she spent 2 years in prison and is now serving 5 years of probation. Lexy has a maternal sister that was taken in by her paternal grandmother, but since she was not related to Alexis she was not willing to take her too. Her father has a total of 4 children with 3 different women. One had already been adopted, two live with their mother (that he was not paying child support for) and then there was Lexy. At the time Alexis was taken, he was unemployed and living with a friend. He was given a case plan to work to get custody of her, which consisted of only 6 months of stable housing and employment. At that time he also told the case worker that his parents were willing to take Alexis, but the case worker got little response from them. Kathryn heard this and took the 40 mile drive to the grandparent’s home right away. They expressed concern for her and wanted to assure she was safe and loved (they were understandably scared of the foster care system), but did not really want to start over with a 2 year old. They had raised 16 children between them and were overwhelmed at the thought of starting over. Kathryn assured them that Lexy was in a safe home. She reported her finding to the case worker which continued on with their home study for placement. She also shared with us about her visit, and their willingness to meet us. I set up a meeting right away (against the case workers advice) so they could get acquainted with us, see our home and know that their granddaughter was loved and cared for. Our meeting went great they seemed relieved that she was safe and happy. They contacted the case worker and let her know that as long as Lexy stayed in our home they would not be interested in taking custody. Lexy’s father’s time finally ran out and his rights were terminated. On November 23, 2008 national adoption day, sitting beside Kathryn (her guardian angel) Lexy was made a forever member of our family. There is no doubt in my mind that Lexy’s story could have ended quite differently had she not had Kathryn, her Guardian ad Litem advocating for her.

2010 Christmas letter

We continued to be busy, healthy, challenged, and happy in 2010. Rayne turned two in February and though he has been sleeping through the night for a long time now, he is still exhausting. He talks like a scholar and constantly. He knows his alphabet, numbers and shapes, but has shown very little interest in learning his colors. When his feet hit the floor in the morning he begins running, yelling, jumping, climbing, talking, screaming, hugging, kissing, and it does not stop until we put him to bed at night. He is spoiled, and opinioned, but also joyful and loving. He tells us often how much he loves us and enjoys snuggling. He is so busy and all boy!! I used to think mom was exaggerating when she talked about little Mike, I don’t anymore.

Lexy’s year began with us becoming painfully aware of some problems she was having in pre-k. She was in a small church preschool, and because of this we felt secure and safe that she was being treated lovingly and fairly, but sadly this was not the case at all. We cautiously allowed her to finish out the year. After lots of soul searching, professional advice, and prayer Monty and I decided that homeschooling would be best for her. We have unofficially begun this year and have started practicing. Since her birthday is right at the cut off, we will start kindergarten through the school system next year. I believe everything happens for a reason, and this experience is what opened our eyes and hearts to new options. We are excited and nervous about our new journey, but truly believe it is what’s best for Alexis. Right now we are exploring curriculum and really like the Waldorf program. Their mission is “to provide young people with the capacity for freedom of thought, empathy and initiative, so they will be able to make meaningful contributions to society and the world”. Lexy likes going to school at home and sometimes asks to do school work on the weekends. She still receives speech therapy twice a week, started a Daisies girl scout’s troop and is making new friends. She is strong willed and challenging, but sweet and loving to a fault. I feel honored to be the one to love and care for her and now to teach her.

Gary Consulting thankfully is staying busy. Monty has been working very hard and the business continues to grow each year. He has several good contractors working for him, and has many new clients.

I love staying home with my kids, it is my favorite and most challenging job I have ever had. I feel grateful I am able to do so. I have always been thrifty, but lately I have been taking it to a whole new level. I have started couponing, buying used, dented, clearance, and of course reusing. It helps me feel like I am contributing, and Monty appreciates the savings.

We bought a travel trailer in September, and absolutely LOVE it. We have been wanting one for some time, because tent camping with the kids (and Monty in that case) is just too much. We got a great deal on it. It’s a 2006 Starcraft with bunk beds for everyone. We have already camped at several music shows and had a blast. I love it because it is like homemaking away from home. Monty loves it because it is air conditioned.
We still have a passion for foster children and for that reason, we are still holding on to our foster parent license. I keep thinking every year our kids will be older (our life more stable) and we will be ready to foster again, but right now we just really aren’t sure. We are available for emergency placements and respite to help out other foster parents, but still are not taking any long term placements.

We have had another year of learning, growing and blessings. Our family grows stronger with every year that passes. As always we are thankful for all of your love, support, encouragement and friendship. Merry Christmas!

Healthcare and our family...

I live in fear because my husband is not able to get health insurance (due to a preexisting condition) and because we are self-employed…I have hope that in 2014 this will change, and I am thankful right now that he is healthy. Our life would be turned upside down if something were to happen to him. We in no way want a free ticket, just affordable healthcare for him (and so many others)…. Right now he has NONE, and has been repeatedly turned down when applied. I am very proud of Monty and anyone that knows him knows what a hard working, amazing, giving man he is. It breaks my heart that he continues to be uninsured and unable to get the health care he needs. The fact that people are trying to get healthcare reform repealed takes my breath away. If you could please just step outside of your four walls and see the effect it has on so many Americans…….. the effects it is having on my family.

Loosing our marbles!

I have been working very hard to find a behavioral program that works in our house. I wanted to figure something out that reinforced the good and squished the bad behaviors, yet was simple enough that everyone (including daddy) could understand. In all my years of working with children I have been trained in 6 different behavioral programs, was a trainer in one and created one of my own. I still find myself, trying to figure out what works with my own children. I don’t want to crush their self-esteem, and still set very clear boundaries.

I have figured out something that is working (so far) and thought I would share it with all the other mama’s out there. In last months Family Fun magazine I read a small blurb about a mom that used marbles to encourage her kids to do chores around the house. This planted the seed for what has become our new marble program. I gathered up an old jelly jar for each of the kids and put their names on them. I painted Rayne’s top blue and Lexy’s pink. Then I found a large jar (for the community marbles). I bought a big box of marbles and filled up the big jar. The kids can earn marbles for any and everything….. cleaning up, sharing, waking up dry, using the potty, listening, really just any positive behavior. They can also loose marbles for any negative behaviors….. like talking back, hitting, not listening and so on. When the kids earn marbles they get to go get them out of the community jar (count them) and put them in their own jar. When the loose marbles they have to go and take them out of their jar and put them back in the big jar. Lexy HATES having to take marbles out of her jar!!! Each behavior (good or bad) has a price, since waking up dry was a big one for Lexy at first she would get 5 marbles for that, now the she is waking up dry almost every day I dropped it down to 3. Then at the end of the week (we are doing it Friday nights) they get to cash in (or bank) their marbles. I have a box of small tokens that cost from 10 marbles to an entire jar. I have small toys, popsicles (they can eat in the tub), walks with daddy around the neighborhood…..in the article I read the lady had older kids and she used money, date night with one parent.

I also let the kids pick out their own stuff to put in their prize box. I am very guilty of buying my kids “little stuff” when we go shopping, but now they know if they get something it goes right in the prize box and they will have to earn it with marbles (good behaviors). I’m sure this sounds very simple and silly, but it truly is working….. I will keep you posted as we progress. It’s also fun when you are out somewhere and you remind the kids “Don’t lose your marbles”…heeheehee

While I am here I will also give you a little update on what has been going on in the Gary house these days. We have really been in a good groove lately. We have swimming (with both kids) twice a week, speech (with Lexy) twice a week, and tumbling. We are also hoping to start occupational therapy with Lexy soon. The kids have made a lot of friends in the neighborhood, and we spend many hours outside playing and planting. We are growing a garden in our yard and go to the beach weekly Monty has plenty of work, but also has a few contractors working for him, so he has been able to spend a little more time at home. He is also playing in the little band at church and he is a real asset to it. I stay busy with gardening (my new found love), looking for fun cheap places for us to go, discount shopping and I am just learning the art of couponing…… boy can it save a lot of money. I have to earn my keep some way. . I am also trying to get organized to start homeschooling in the fall. Life is so so good, and we are grateful!!

Growing and learning...

With my grandma’s passing last weekend I have been doing A LOT of thinking…… about life, motherhood, family, marriage, faith, but mostly about Lexy. I feel scared and sad for her. She has had way too much trauma and pain in her short little life, and even now as hard as I try to protect her, it seems I haven’t been able too. I felt confident and secure in her placement for preschool, but I was wrong. She is misunderstood, and picked on by the other children. I had only become aware of the situation after Christmas break, when I had a conference with her teacher. At this time (for the first time since she has been at this school) her teacher informed me that Lexy’s behaviors had isolated her from the other children in the class. She must have seen the surprise on my face when she told me this, because her response to me was “you had to have known” well I didn’t! I guess parents are the last to know. In our home and in other social situations with other children this has not been an issue. We have been fully aware of her being “overly affectionate” (or sensory seeking), her speech delays, and other learning (processing issues), but nothing we would have ever thought that would make her not accepted in a classroom. She seems so loveable to us. We have worked closely with a therapy group since day one of Lexy moving into our home. Lexy receives speech (from a very seasoned, bright pathologist, twice a week), did pre-k boot camp (through the therapy center), and has received occupational therapy. We have worked very hard to be proactive and aware of Lexy’s behaviors and needs. Next Monty started noticing that she did not like going to school, and when she would walk into the classroom she would get as far away from her classmates as possible. I reached out to my resources (talked with my mom and other seasoned teacher and mom friends) and asked her therapist to observe her in the classroom. She also felt Lexy was not herself. There have been several other incidents including her not getting her juice we pack in her lunch, because she does not ask for it to be opened in the first 5 minutes of lunch time…. the Easter egg hunt fiasco, and other interactions observed. Monty and I have decided to allow her to finish out the last couple weeks at this school. The administration has shown concern and promised to stay close to her during her final days there. Then we have decided that I will home school her next year. This is an exciting, scary new adventure for us. Since her birthday is August 25 just before the cut off of September 1, we sort of have a free year to give it a try. I have just learned of the k12 program with the public school that provides all resources, curriculum, books, and even a teacher to monitor her (our) progress. I think the structure of this program will be helpful for both of us. Her therapy group (which has been our life saver) is also on board to help with curriculum, evaluations, and any other needs we may have.

Lexy is not hard to understand, not for me (and Monty) anyway, maybe it’s because I am her mom. She is affectionate, lovable, kind, silly, funny, stubborn, smart and amazing!! She needs structure, love and understanding. She sometimes needs a little more time to process than other children, but she is bright and as capable as any other child her age. Monty and I have discussed at length with each other, and professionals, and believe in our hearts that we are making the best decision for Lexy. It may not be easy for me, but I am honestly trying to go into it with eyes wide open, and hoping to learn right along with my daughter.

I welcome any resources that anyone knows of. We will also be looking to set up play dates!! I have such a wonderful network of diverse and seasoned parents, I look forward to any ideas and suggestions you may have. Any prayers, or good energy that you can send in our direction would also be greatly appreciated!!

2009 Christmas letter

Dear Friends and Family,

Rayne brought in the year turning one. We had a small family gathering at the house, where Rayne had his first taste of cake. It was not love at first taste, but he has grown extremely fond of it as the year progressed. He seems to have done everything incredibly early. He walks, talks, sings, climbs, jumps, flips, marches, runs, and is into everything. It feels like we skipped a lot of stages; however separation anxiety is not one of those. He does not like to be away from me, and honestly I am not that crazy about it either. He has remained big and healthy at all of his check ups, staying in the top 90 percent. He is smart, handsome, healthy, happy and oh so busy.

Lexy is in VPK this year and goes three half days a week. She is going to a very small school in the church we got married in. They are patient and structured with her. She still seems to be struggling to keep up with the other kids in her class in several areas. Lexy continues to work with the amazing therapy group that we have had her in since we got her. She gets speech twice a week and OT, when there is an occupational therapist available. Since her birthday is in August we are talking with her teachers and therapists about waiting an extra year to start her in kindergarten. She is big for her age, but it may be more important that she have the extra year to mature and catch up developmentally. She has also started tumbling and loves it. She is not always graceful, but according to her coaches the strongest one in her class, not a big surprise to us. Her 4th birthday party was a big hit. She had a princess themed party at our local indoor play place. Grandma lavished her with a real Cinderella dress, and tiara and decorated her princess birthday cake to look just like her. She is beautiful, funny, thoughtful, affectionate, and stubborn. We are so proud of her.

Gary Consulting has stayed steady. Monty has brought a few more contractors on board. His business is good and continues growing. He has a really great group of clients, many of whom have become friends. They show so much love and support for our family, and we are grateful.

Mike Jr. and I have started making some green arts and crafts. We are trying everything from belts, to fishing lures, and all from recycled products. I have been gathering people’s trash everywhere I go, even Lexy’s school is helping collect stuff for some of our projects. Our kids enjoy recycling, reusing and buying used. They don’t understand the full impact of their simple actions yet, but are like doing it. I was hoping to have enough stuff made to set up at a few craft shows over the holidays, but we have just been too busy. I love spending time and sharing these projects with my brother. We are not planning on getting rich, but we are having fun with it.

We are still a licensed foster home though we have only done respite a few times to help out other foster parents. Our schedule stays pretty full, but we have decided to stay licensed and connected. We don’t want to take on too much, but we are not ready to give it up. We desperately want to help more foster children. We are still finding our family balance and are taking everyday as it comes. We are proud parents and love our family time!

Wishing you peace, love and joy in 2010!
Merry Christmas! HUGS!!
Monty, Amanda, Lexy and Rayne Gary

Family News

Rayne turned one on February 3 and we had a small family gathering. He had his first taste of cake and icing. He wanted nothing to do with either; he even gagged at the taste of them. Monty has requested a DNA test, because he said there is now way his son doesn’t like cake. Everything went great at his one year check up. He is still at the top of the charts in height, weight and head. She was also very pleased with his development once again. He can say lots of words now. It is so fun to watch him grow….he learns something new everyday.

Lexy is still doing great in school. She has a new teacher that is very structured and focused on preparing them for preschool. Lexy does very well in a structured environment. She is still facing some challenges with some speech, sensory and behavioral issue. She is still going to speech therapy weekly and we have just started her in occupational therapy weekly as well. We are hoping it will help her have better body awareness and get on top of some of her impulse control issues. It has been brought to our attention that she needs to be tested for lead. We are also going to schedule some neurological testing, because of a tremor in her hands. We just want make sure there is no permanent damage from her injuries. With all that being said she is doing exceptionally well. She is happy little girl, that loves to help everyone. She loves her little brother and is also making big accomplishments everyday. It is also a joy to watch her grow and learn.

Monty and I are doing great too. We survived our first year with two children. I think it has taken me the entire year to find some balance, but I finally feel like I have my head above water. Don’t get me wrong I still face new challenges everyday, and it is not easy. I just have a little better handle on it. We did re-license our home and are ready to take foster children on a short term basis. Thankfully there are not many children coming into care right and they do not need us.


Hope all is great with all of you!

Rayne's 1 year old update

Rayne turned one on February 3 and we had a small family gathering.  He had his first taste of cake and icing.   He wanted nothing to do with either; he even gagged at the taste of them.   Monty has requested a DNA test, because he said there is now way his son doesn’t like cake.   Everything went great at his one year check up.  He is still at the top of the charts in height, weight and head.  She was also very pleased with his development once again.  He can say lots of words now.  It is so fun to watch him grow….he learns something new everyday.

Lexy is still doing great in school.  She has a new teacher that is very structured and focused on preparing them for preschool.  Lexy does very well in a structured environment.  She is still facing some challenges with some speech, sensory and behavioral issue.  She is still going to speech therapy weekly and we have just started her in occupational therapy weekly as well.  We are hoping it will help her have better body awareness and get on top of some of her impulse control issues.  It has been brought to our attention that she needs to be tested for lead.  We are also going to schedule some neurological testing, because of a tremor in her hands.  We just want make sure there is no permanent damage from her injuries.  With all that being said she is doing exceptionally well.   She is happy little girl, that loves to help everyone.  She loves her little brother and is also making big accomplishments everyday.  It is also a joy to watch her grow and learn.

Monty and I are doing great too. We survived our first year with two children.  I think it has taken me the entire year to find a balance, but I finally feel like I have my head above water.  Don’t get me wrong I still face new challenges everyday, and it is not easy.  I just have a little better handle on it.  We did re-license our home and are ready to take foster children on a short term basis, until we can get a larger home.  Thankfully there are not many children coming into care right and they do not need us.

2008 Christmas letter

Dear Friends and Family,

Life just keeps getting better and better………

The year began with the birth of our healthy baby boy.  Rayne Michael Gary was born on February 3, four days before his due date and not a moment to soon. Rayne was 7 lbs 12 oz, handsome, healthy, and demanding.  He has stayed in the 95% in height and weight.   He brings us so much joy and stress.   He began walking at 8 ½ months old.  He is all boy and into everything.

Last year in March on my birthday I had no children and this year I had a newborn and a two year old to care for.  No time to feeling sorry for myself this year! 

We decided to stay in our home in Riverview, and list our St. Harbor house. Thankfully it sold in the beginning of June.  The computer business has been a bit slower this year as with everything.  I am staying home with the kids for now, and will probably go back to work when Lexy starts school.

The year ended with the adoption of Lexy.  Alexis Rose Gary was made a forever member of our family on (National Adoption Day) November 21.  We have considered Alexis our daughter since the day she came into our home, and now we have peace that she will always be our daughter.  She continues to have “stuff” that we have to learn how to handle, but we feel overjoyed to be the ones that get to take care of her everyday.

We have decided to stay a licensed foster home.  We are going try out taking emergency short term placements.  We are not ready for another long term or permanent placements, but we also weren’t ready to close our home.  Our plate is pretty full now so, we will just take it one day at a time and see what we can handle.

2008 has been an amazing year for our family.  We have been showered in blessings.   I can’t wait to see what 2009 has in store!

                                                    Peace, Love and Family!!

Hugs, Monty, Amanda, Lexy and Rayne Gary

Adoption Day

Today was our big day.  It's official we adopted Lexy.  She is now Alexis Rose Gary.  It was national adoption day and there was alot of festivities.  It was a joyous day for lots of families, and I felt honored to be a part of it.  I think Lexy was most excited about the new hair cut and dress she got for the occasion.  She kept telling people she was going to be "dotdid" and be a princess, she even told the judge that. For some reason she thought after she was adopted she was going to be a princess.  I guess in a way she is, she is our princess.

I can not put into words the weight that has been lifted off of us to know that Lexy is a FOREVER member of our family.  We have been her mom and dad since the day she came into our home and the fear I felt of having our child taken away is the scariest thing I have ever felt, and that fear is gone.  I have wonderful peace.  I even feel more prepared to handle some of the difficult behaviors she has been showing.

Alexis also had her Thanksgiving feast and her class preformed a song for the parents.  She wore her pilgrim hat and vest she made in class.  She was in the very front row and I think she sang the loudest of all of them.  In the chorus of the song the kids put their hands to their mouth shouted " Thank you Lord"!  I felt filled with emotion, I too wanted to shout THANK YOU LORD!!  Our prayers have been answered.  

Rayne also had his 9 month check up on Wednesday and had been walking for three weeks prior to it. He is now running! The Dr. was super impressed by his development and growth.  He is still in the 90 percent on height and weight, and right on track with the other tests.  He is a pretty happy boy, rotten but happy.  He loves music and dances and claps when he hears it.  He also loves to hear his daddy sing and bangs on the guitar while he is playing.  I feel certain that he is going to be a guitar player like Monty.

We are so blessed.  I can not thank everyone enough for all of the reference checks, fingerprinting, thoughts, prayers and continual support through this journey.  We are dancing in the light at the end of the tunnel.  THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!  THANK YOU!  I love you all.

Hugs,

Amanda (Monty, Alexis, and Rayne)