He's a keeper!

It’s been a while since I updated.  Having an extra little one in the house keeps me busy and with my lupus fighting against me it is taking all of my energy to keep up with them.  The good new is I AM keeping up with them and it’s exactly what I choose and want to do.

Since my last update I have met Jay’s mom.  She cried and was happy to see that her baby was comfortable (and excited) when the kids and I came to pick him up from his visit.  She also questioned me about a few small things.  I felt defensive and annoyed but that’s not really fair.  I have to take a step back and put myself in her shoes.  If my kids were taken away from me and being cared for by a stranger (in foster care none the less) I would be a complete nut job.  She has provided many monetary items for Jay and offers to get anything I need.  She wrote me a personal e-mail to thank me for taking care of him.  Both parents will go to trial and the dad has hired a personal attorney.  The accusations now are that the reason Jay fell was because the dad grabbed the mom’s arm.  Who knows…. I can’t guess how it really went down.  All I have to go by is how the parents have treated me and their baby since he has been in my home.  I have seen nothing but caring, attentive parents.  I have to trust that the truth will come out (it’s on video for goodness sakes) that there was a lesson learned through this process, and that our baby will go where he will be safe and loved.  At this point he will likely go live with his grandparents in Chicago before he is reunited with either of his parents.

I have also accepted to take him as a permanent placement until all this mess is sorted out.  I just ordered him a crib that the agency is funding, so he would not have to move.  He has been in a pack and play but now that he will be staying a while he really needs a better mattress to sleep on. I am still very concerned about the bonds and attachments being formed, but I am trying to go with the flow and stop letting fear keep me from really listening to my heart.

Lexy and Rayne have started a new soccer season with a new league.  I had concerns when we started that it might be more competitive than we were looking for.  They actually keep score and have a tournament at the end.  Both kids have great coaches and they are learning a lot about the game, but their main goal is to have fun.  I’m not sure I will ever fit the “soccer mom” mold, but I will support and encourage them in whatever their interests are. Rayne scored four goals today and three of them where in the right goal.  Lexy has learned her position and stayed attentive and in the game except for when she was chasing the occasional passing dragonfly.  They are growing up so fast!!

Both kids say things daily that I think I should write down and keep in a scrapbook.  The best one came from Rayne this week we were talking about when they were babies.  I was telling Rayne that he was already walking when he was Jay’s age and he was asking other questions about what he ate and so on…. Then he asked “Mama was I brown when I was a baby?” I had to hold in my chuckle and of course told him that boys and girls pretty much stay the same color they come out.  The last several babies we have had have been sweet little boys of color and I love that Rayne views himself exactly the same as them.  Children are so honest and pure!!  I love that my kids have not been tainted by society, that I have had the privilege to keep them home and teach them.  How is it that of all the children in the world I got the best ones?
 

Tough decisions

The frustration of the system continues…  The report I got from court on Tuesday was that the state’s attorney debated with the case worker about if the dad should be able to get custody of him… this makes no sense because they are suppose to be working together. Again no assignments were given in order for him to get his baby back.  He was NOT the offending parent has never had issues of domestic violence and only has one small unrelated charge more than 5 years ago.  He has been compliant and even proactive in completing tasks that have not even been assigned yet.  He has a great job and a new apartment.

The judge did order each parent 2 visits a week for 2 hours, that totals 8 hours of visit for a 9 month old baby that doesn’t include the almost hour travel time each way.  Today was the first day of the longer visit time and it was exhausting for everyone.  Since it is an overwhelming task for the case worker to complete each week I offered to drive Jay to his visit and meet his dad.  It took me almost an hour to get there in the rain and traffic and then the same on the way home. 

His dad was nice and clearly loves his baby.  He was quiet but it’s kind of an awkward position he is in, so I understand. I dream of hugs and one big happy family after all we all love the baby.   I just hope he understands that I am objective and want the best for all of them and honestly at this point I am on their team.  I know the system is not always fair and kids fall through the cracks but sometimes the parents don’t get a fair shake either.

No doubt Jay’s mom made a very bad choice at the time he was taken into care, but I have to tell you she is the most attentive and in tune bio-mom I have ever dealt with.  She brings formula every time (even a pack of diapers today) and asks if there is anything I need.  She was worried about the length of his visit today and how exhausting is was for him.  She clearly loves her baby.  She shows concern about his well being and has put his needs before hers during challenging time. I still think she needs to get help with her anger, but at this point I believe she is capable of fixing this mess.  

So all this leaves me to figure out what is best for not only him but my family.  The home study on his grandparents could take more than a month to get back because it is out of state.  He has a great case worker and she is working hard to get permanency for him as quickly as possible.  I don’t worry about being able to take care of him for however long it takes. I just worry about the kids and me getting too attached. We are so in love with him already. Rayne was upset today when we left him at the visit because he thought he was not coming back.  This will be our longest placement since Lexy. The difference is this time I know it is only temporary, so hopefully it will be easier.  I just don’t want to cause my kids any heartache. 

 

So for now he will remain a member of our family and we will continue to love him for as long as he is here.

 

 

Today's news

Long story but I went back to my old rheumatologist today basically because I had an appointment and feel awful.  There have been a lot of changes in her office and I am hopeful it makes it more bearable to get into her.  She told me my lupus is back active and would like to start me on an immune suppresser drug.  We talked about several options and even benlyst which I will never be able to afford.  She wants to wait for my labs to come back to make a decision.  I really already knew… I guess I just didn’t want to face it.  I am scared of the “chemo” type and steroid drugs, so I have just kept on trucking and pretending.  I did feel like my doctor heard me today and as always she sent me off with a hug.

If I am honest I have not been diligent with my diet and supplements, so between now and my next appointment I plan and filling my body with nutrients and visualizing and praying for healing.  I am not sure I am ready to face the “big girl” drugs yet.

The attorney does not agree that the Jay’s dad is safe to take him, though he did not have one recommendation for services. His reason for not agreeing to reunify him was “failure to protect”. He has no prior incidents that would indicate that could not care for his son, and there is an injunction on the mom so she would not be a concern.  He has a new home, a great job, and went out of state to get all the babies personal items this weekend.    It looks like we may have the little guy longer than planned.  Hopefully something productive will happen in court next so this sweet baby’s life will not stay in limbo.  

The system always pushes me to the limit we are approaching our 30 day mark, but no permanency for this baby yet.  A month should be enough time to have an idea or a plan of action for a placement that is in a short term foster placement.  Thankfully he has a wonderful worker and I believe she will keep everything moving.  Just one day at a time from here I guess. 

 

 

Sooner than we thought

I talked to Jay’s worker this afternoon and turns out that he may have been “unjustly sheltered”.  Since his dad has no priors, a good job and now a new home he may be able to move in with him immediately.  The case worker should get back to me today.  He could still have to have a home study completed but even then it is likely that he can live with him while the backgrounds and home study are pending.  Court is Friday so if we don’t know anything before we will defiantly know by then.  I am planning to attend the visit tomorrow to meet the dad.  He is new to the area and I would love to be a support to him as need, and the added bonus to that is I would be able to see him and how he is doing. Of course my car is in the shop this week and won’t be ready until Friday so it has been a challenge trying to figure out transportation that will hold all three car seats. 

I thought the more kids you take the easier it is to let them go, but for me and the kids it just seems to get harder.  This one is going to be tough on all of us.  They are all loveable, but this little guy is particularly charming and has quickly worked his way into our hearts.  More to come....

We are so provided for...

We have had baby Jay three weeks now and he is settling right in. He is a joyful, snuggly and a well taken care of baby. He has found the notch in my hip and the crease in my lap that he fits in and that’s exactly where he wants to be. He was the only child in the home and mom was a SAHM and apparently had time to hold him a lot. He makes funny baby noises and faces and has the sweetest little backwards wave. He is adorable and a joy to have in our home.

He has grandparents out of state that are in the process of having a home study completed so they can get him out of foster care asap. Both parents are completely compliant with the system. The mom has provided me with shot records, formula, clothes, and baby food. According to the worker both parents show genuine concern for their baby and are working as hard as they can to get him back. I really hope that they get the services they need and he can go home to a safe loving environment.

Since we take short term placements and live in a small home I am always begging for “stuff” when we get a new baby. With the different ages, developmental stages we could not possibly store everything we need, and our $13 a day board rate hardly covers gear. It’s amazing how we are always so provided for. Friends brought me clothes, his doctor gave me some formula (he is on a very expensive kind), the association gave us a swing, I had a friend that lives across state hook me up with her daughter-in-law for a baby gate (even though he refuses to be in it) and I even found an exersaucer by my neighbors trash. We are defiantly not rich and I am so thankful for everyone that so generously shares their hand-me-downs.

 

Lexy is doing great with her online school, I however am still learning all the websites and logins :). Both kids start soccer this weekend and are very excited. Monty is so busy and has more work than he can get done.

I am not in a good place with my lupus right now.I am not feeling well. I need to find a new rheumatologist because mine moved, but I do not want to give this stupid disease one more drop of my energy or money. If I don’t address it will take the last little bit of energy I do have though. Lately it is so much easier to pretend and push through.

 

Just love them...

It was kindly brought to my attention that I am due for an update and I do have lots to share.

Lexy has officially started Hillsborough County Virtual school and so far so good. Turns out it is the same online program that we used (and paid for) last year, so she is very familiar with it and it’s working for her.  Since we registered at the last minute we were a little behind on getting started but I don’t think it will take her long to catch up.

Both of the kids finished up their 3^rd year of swimming lessons.  Lexy is a fish and I am secure that Rayne can save himself if he falls in now.

About a week and a half ago we took in a 9 month old little boy that had skull fractures due to being dropped on concrete by his mother.  Lots of stories have been flying around about how it happened, but at this point only his mother knows the truth.  It happened in a public place that actually had video cameras and she was charged with domestic violence and child neglect so there will be a trial.  I do know his parents were having an altercation (not the first time) and some how the baby ended up on the ground.  The first story I heard was that she threw him, then that he accidently slipped out of her hands.  I prefer the second version myself.

He is a beautiful little boy, tiny for his age only 17lbs, but seems to be well cared for.  He attached very quickly to me and follows me around the house begging me to pick him up.  As long as he is touching some part of me he is fine, but when I have to put him down or walk away from him…. he is not a happy camper.  We are working through this, our doctor said I have to put him down sometimes and let him work it out.  It’s not fun for any of us though.  He is going through a huge transition and I want him to feel safe and secure.  He has had two visits with his parents and both times mom brought him formula (he is on a very expensive kind) and other necessities.  Reports from the visits are that the parents are appropriate and show genuine concern for his well being.  They have to visit separately due to a restraining order against one of them.  I am going to try and help the mom feel secure through e-mails and photos.  I had offered to supervise the visits, but Monty thought it was a bad idea and he is right.  He reminded me that she went to a very scary place to hurt (or allow) her baby to be injured like that. My hope is that this will be a huge wake up call for his family, that they will work through their problems and live happily ever after.  A girl can dream….

As always the kids are welcoming and accepting of our new baby.  They amaze me! They are my extra set of eyes and ears and are eager to report if he is in any danger.  They happily tend to him anytime they can.  I don’t know how long he will be with us.  As a family we have chosen to only take temporary placements and the limit we set was a month, any longer than that we get too attached.  There does not seem to be any family that will be able to take the little guy, and the case plan for the parents should be pretty simple.  They is no concern about housing or employment (so they won’t have the 6 months to prove that) basically I believe they will have anger management and parenting classes that could possible be completed in as few as 2 months.  I guess we will just have to take it one day at a time.

Since we have been back in the swing of fostering I have met several foster (and homeschooling) moms and am grateful.  We have play dates talk on the phone brainstorm parenting ideas.  Foster, adoptive, homeschooling parents often have unique experiences and it is so helpful to have other seasoned mama’s for support.  I have also plugged back into the local foster parent association. I had pretty much donated and given away most of our baby gear.  I though lupus would keep me from being able to foster again and our house is pretty small to store extra stuff.  I reached out to the association and they helped me get some supplies.  I am reminded what a great resource they are to foster families and children.  I know I always have a cause and am always begging for something but….. just in case you are looking for a worthy cause to donate your used baby/kid/teen/adult clothes and gear to I am your girl.  I will be happy to deliver it.  It has been a blessing to us and so many other foster families and children.  http://www.hcfpa.org/

 

 

Love party!

I am way over due for a family update.  I think the last blog I posted my little Harry had just moved to a new foster home and I was off to my family girls weekend with my mom’s side of the family.  The weekend was a blast as always.  It was a recycle theme this year so we went to thrift stores, made recycled crafts, and had our annual pajama contest.  I am so blessed to have so many amazing women in my family.  Not only are they fabulous role models, but they are fun too!!

 

My little Harry is a lucky little boy to have moved into the foster home he did.  He is with his 4 year old sister and his new foster mom and dad are dedicated and loving.  I have become friends with his new foster mom Kathy and we talk weekly, sometime about Harry and foster care, but I really just enjoy talking to her... she is inspiring.  We have tons in common including lupus.  She is a wonderful mama and is advocating for all of her foster children. 

Sunny my 12 year old cat began losing weight very quickly.  I took him to the vet and he was down from his normal 21lbs to about 14lb.  Turns out he has diabetes and needed daily insulin shots.  I began the shots but some how missed the memo on how important it is that he eats before his shot is given.  Since he was not eating well when I gave him his 3^rd dose of insulin he began having seizures.  Of course these things always happen when my husband is not home.  My girlfriend came and stayed with the kids and Sunny was admitted to the hospital for 24 hours where they could give him glucose and monitor his sugar levels.  He came home and has been doing better.  He is eating better and gaining a little weight back.  He has a strict diet now, a lower dose of daily insulin, and just started an antibiotic due to possible UTI (he is having accidents in the house).  Sunny was the first cat I got when I moved out on my own.  He was with me before my husband or kids.  He reluctantly adjusted to Monty and has become Lexy’s best friend.  He has been a faithful companion to me and my family.  I am hopeful that he will start feeling better and bounce back.

 

Lexy has had plans for a “love” birthday party since February.  She decided she wanted a heart themed party.  It was so fitting for my loving little girl (and her giant heart) and worked out well for her frugal mama too, because I was able to get some of her decorations on clearance after Valentine’s Day.  We rarely have just one celebration in our family.  So on Saturday we headed to grandma and grandpa’s house to swim, have her special dinner (she ordered chicken on the bone and corn on the cob), and of course grandma’s special birthday cake.  It was such a relaxing fun day.  Her second party was Sunday in the yard with all the neighborhood kids.  Monty put up the zip line, we had a piñata, a crane game full of candy, hula hoops, bubbles, chalk and snacks.  All the kids were well behaved and Lexy felt special and loved. 

We decided to try Hillsborough County Virtual School for Lexy this year.  In the past she did not qualify for this program, because it required that she had been in public school before, but they changed the rules and I did not find out until near the deadline to register.  Because it is a program through the county they have all the same requirements as public school to register.  Since Lexy is adopted and never been in public school I found myself scrambling to get all her paperwork together.  Whew… I made it just in time.  Virtual school is an online curriculum (likely the one we are already using) and she will be assigned a teacher to monitor her progress and support her.  We are hopeful that it works for her and our family.  Monty and I still feel homeschool is the best option for our family.

The kids have started their 3^rd year of swimming lessons.  Lexy is a fish and has been free swimming for a while now.  Rayne is still nervous around the pool, so I am hoping he will get past some of his fear.

 

We are busy and well. 

 

 

I have peace today….

Sweet Harry moved to his new foster home yesterday with his 4 year old sister.  It’s a very complicated case. There are 3 different fathers…. There is the father of 5 oldest (there is different father of the 4 year old in the middle of those) and the two youngest (which is Harry) have another dad.  The dad of the oldest 5 is willing to take the oldest 6 that includes the 4 year old that is not biologically his.  It is very possible that he will not be able to get all 6 and that the 4 year old could stay in foster care.  All that to tell you that the foster home he moved into is with his 4 year old sister…. I had huge reservations about it.  It took Harry quite sometime to adjust to us and I am fearful that his sister could leave as early as a few days after he moves in.  Then he would have to start over again. 

 After the incident with the case worker and reporting her to my FDS worker, I was getting the feeling she just wanted to move him so she wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.  She called me yesterday morning and told me she was picking him up for a visit at 1:00pm and to have him packed because he would not return.  My heart dropped and mind started racing!  Monty was at work he wouldn’t be here to see him off, were all his clothes clean, did I get him everything he needed, did I have all his favorite toys, sippy cups, meds together…. Thank goodness my sweet teenager Kelley stayed with me that night and was here to help me.  With her help we managed to get everything together and send him off with his worker.  I got his new foster mom’s number, and called her about an hour after he left.  She was so pleased that I called and she wanted to know his schedule and everything I had already learned about him to make his transition as smooth as possible.  She was completely open to us visiting him and possibly doing respite for them.  She also shared some of her parenting views, and they are very similar to ours (not that we have it all figured out) just so it would be an easy transition for Harry.  I also think it will be helpful to his sister (who is having some trouble adjusting to foster care) to have the reassurance of having him there with her.  I hung up and had peace.  I know it all happened for a reason.  He left our home much healthier than he arrived, happy, feeling loved, safe and with two huge bins of “stuff”.  I can honestly say I did the best I could!

 My house is quiet today he was a noisy, happy, little guy.   He filled the room with joy and I already miss him, but I am also enjoying the stillness and time with Lexy and Rayne.  My worker called and asked if I wanted to be taken off the call list (since it has been so crazy here) so I opted for a few weeks of quiet before placement starts calling again.

I am looking forward to my family’s (mom’s side) annual girl’s weekend.  I am blessed with an amazing family and wonderful women role models.  It’s perfect timing for fun, relaxation and inspiration.

Rough week!!

Rayne survived the worst virus he has had in his short little life.  It was 7 days of high fevers, rashes, vomiting, waking up screaming in the middle of the night saying his head hurt and just feeling awful.  It would not have been so bad if the duration was not so long and everyday a new symptom had not occurred.  I am thankful he is feeling better and am praying that the rest of us stay healthy.

In the throws of the illnesses, the mishaps with Harry, and my car (the only one that will hold all three car seats) started acting up and needed to be towed to the shop. I decided to reach out to my FDS worker for an understanding ear.  She was concerned with the length of stay that he has been here.  We are only a short term home and kids should not be sleeping in a pack and play on a long term basis, she was alarmed about the incidents of his last visit/doctors appointment and believes they are asking too much of our family.  She found out that the placement where his 4 year old sister is can likely take him early next week. This means he will be with his sister for now and my hope would be that when his sister moves in with his step dad that the 1 month old sister would be able to move in to his place in the foster home with Harry.  I really don’t want him to bounce again if it is at all possible.  I have to trust that everything happens for a reason.

I have been talking to the kids about it, and they are anticipation him leaving already.  The longer he stays the harder it is going to be on all of us.  He is so well adjusted now! He is colorful, happy, noisy and has the sweetest little personality!!  He is loveable and so well behaved.  It did not take him long to fall right into our family routine.  I do however feel the need to put on my own life vest and the recent events, health issues and lack of support has left me exhausted and an emotional wreck.  My joints ache, I am back to running fevers almost every day, and am covered in rashes.  My body is giving me the signs that I am pushing it too hard and I need to listen.

I will know more Monday about what is going to happen with our brother from another mother.  Please send him love and light and keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

Disappointed but not surprised

Harry has been sick since he came to our home going on three weeks ago.  I have had him at the doctor three times (once at the urgent care on Sunday afternoon). He was referred to a pulmonary specialist.  I am exhausted from trying to get him well (not to mention Rayne man is sick too) between doctor visit and treatments every 4 hour through the night I decided to reach out to his case worker for help with this appointment.  He was picked up yesterday morning at 8am for the doctors appointment and two hour family visit following (since the family had court that morning as well).  I spent several hours the night before preparing him for his long day.  I typed up all his medical issues and medications he was taking on a time line so it would be easy for the doctor to see how his condition has progressed.  I printed labels that said peanut allergy and put them on everything they would stick to including his sippy cup.  He wore a peanut allergy bracelet that I ordered special for him.  I made a separate sheet for the workers that listed the medications and time they should be given one was an antibiotic that I put on ice because it had to be refrigerated.  Packed a peanut free lunch and snacks, so all his needs could easily be met.  He was picked up at 8am I went over with his worker the details of his day and the content of his bags.  She texted me at 3pm the time he was suppose to be bringing him home saying that her coworker was taking him to the ER because someone gave him a peanut butter cracker.

He arrived home at 7:30pm and thankfully he did not have a reaction.  He had not been given any of his medications or dinner.  None of the food was touched in his bag (his family brought lunch) so he easily could have been given some of his packed lunch or a snack while he was waiting in the ER.  I had to throw away the dose of antibiotic because it was now warm, and he had a new stack of prescriptions that needed to be filled, but no further instructions.  I quickly gave him dinner and his medication.  I piled all the kids in the car (now 8pm) and went to get the new medication he needed before he went to bed.  We have a wonderful pharmacist that is familiar with our family they were all filled in 15 minutes.  Came home cleaned up and got ready for bed after a tough day for our baby.

While Harry was off being neglected by they system, I took Rayne to his doctor because he was on his third day of a fever and the night before it spiked to 103.6.  He is very sad when he is sick, usually a very active boy he goes down for the count.  He was shivering, moaning and kept saying I need something, but did not know what.  He said to me “Mama you better stop touching me or you will get sick”  I told him it’s okay and that I wanted to take care of him and make him feel better, he replied “if you get sick then I will take care of you”.  He also brought a lollipop to give to his doctor so she could give it to another child that was not feeling well.  He does random acts of kindness without a thought.  Turns out it is just a fever virus and usually last between 5-7 days.  His doctor suggested no medications during the day (when he feels better) to allow the fever to fight the virus, then to give him fever reducers at bedtime to keep him from feeling so badly.  I also have been loading him up with proibitocs and vitamins to help fight it.  Last night it worked great and everyone got a good night sleep.  He seems better today, but I have decided not to take his temperature during the day as long as he is acting well… It only makes me worry.  Too bad I have to play these mind games with myself. J He started feeling bad this evening, his temperature was back up so I gave him some mortin and he is sleeping well now. 

It’s been a long couple weeks, but I am still glad we took Harry in as a placement.  Monty asked me last night if I was “surprised” that the system fails our kids.  I am not surprised but I am always disappointed.  The “system” of care is made up of people individuals that have choose to do what they do.  I am always hopeful that they put our children first.

During court yesterday they determined that the father of the older 5 is working very hard on getting custody of the 6 oldest, and there seems to be no reason why this won’t happen.  That only leaves Harry and his 1month old sibling.  There is a prospective family member that they are running emergency backgrounds on and we should know something by Friday.  If not the children will need to be placed in a foster home together.

When I called our FDS worker (that licenses our home, monitors us for safety and support us) to report the incidents from the day before, she asked if I wanted her to call placement and have him moved. I told her no that I could see it through.  It is so sad, and not his fault for being sick or the dysfunction of the system.  I am exhausted and will take a break after our little guy is placed safely in his long term placement hoepfully with some of his family.

Saving one child will not change the world, but for the child his world couldchange forever!