Hardest blog I have ever written

I started blogging to keep a record for my children and to keep family and friends up to date on what is going on in our lives.  Over the years it has become therapeutic and I have found joy and comfort in sharing our family news both happy and challenging.  I have also learned that in sharing my story I can’t leave parts out for fear of judgment or embarrassment.  If it is going to be helpful to anyone else I have to be honest and real.  This entry brings tons of heartache but hopefully some healing as well.

For the past several months I have avoided blogging because our family has been in a painful transition.  In the beginning of June Monty and I separated and are now going through a divorce. I feel ashamed and like a failure.  Marriage is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I was not successful at it.  The divorce process is painful and hard for everyone involved.  When a couple does not agree in marriage it is not likely they will agree through a separation either.  The good news is what Monty and I do agree on is parenting and at this point it is what is most important.  We both love our children and want to minimize the impact on them.

I have made so many mistakes along this journey…. I often think to myself if I could go back I would change so much, but then I think of how grateful I am for my life right now even amidst these challenges.  I am grateful for Monty and the years we have had together.  He has blessed me in so many ways I would not be who I am today without him.

So today I am just putting one foot in front of the other.  Emotionally exhausted and fragile but hopeful and looking forward to the day when I can look back and be grateful for the experience and reflect on how much I learned in the process.

It's a circus

It takes a little time to figure out who everyone is and their roles in the life of a foster baby that has been placed in your home.  I’m not sure I have my head around this one yet…..

The worker came yesterday for a home visit and filled me in on baby Maddie’s family and case she described court as a “circus”.

Maddie has a legal dad because her mother was married to a man years ago and they never officially divorced. They have been separated for years and both of their lives have moved on.  The legal dad lives out of state but flew in (with his girlfriend of  many years) for the court hearing and announced that he wanted custody of Maddie.  Again there is no blood relation and he and Maddie’s mom have been separated years.  It is making everyone scratch their head.  The worker believes it is strictly to get back at Maddy’s mom.  The mom is going to quickly file for divorce but he or his family could still be a placement option.

She also has a bio father that has not shown up to court and has past criminal charges that would keep him from being a viable option for placement now. Maddie’s mother is living with the bio dad’s mom and cousin and they have asked for custody of her.  The grandma is partially disabled and the cousin has to go away to “work” somewhere for three months.  The home has mold and would need to be cleaned up before placing the baby there so that also will not be an option at this point. There are a few other players that but at this time are not worth mentioning.

Maddy’s mom has accepted that she needs help and has been extremely honest about her mental health and years of drug issues.  She is completing assignments on her case plan before even being ordered by the court.  The worker thinks she is genuine and just need someone to believe in her.  Well it looks like Maddie came to the right home because if this mom is real I want to be on her team!  I want to help her get her baby back or at least be a mother to her in whatever capacity she is able.  The worker is going to get her some clothes and take her for job interviews next week.  We will also plan a visit were I can meet her hopefully give her some comfort about who is caring for her baby.  The worker asked if I could be at the next court hearing and was very appreciative at my openness to meet her.  Who know what will happen in little Maddie’s life what I do know is everything happens for a reason and she is here with us now and I want to love her and support her mom anyway I can.

Maddie is very healthy and quickly outgrowing her preemie status.  She is a good eater and beautiful.  A little high maintenance but I guess that’s to be expected at her age.

 

 

 

Quick family update:

My procedure was a little more complicated than thought and my recovery was longer than I planned.  Everything turned out okay and besides the bills that are pouring in I am happy to have it behind me.

The kids are back in full swing of soccer.  Every one of our foster kittens has been adopted.  Besides being exhausted from a newborns schedule we are all well.

 

 

Long overdue...

Whew I can’t believe it has been almost 6 months since I posted an update.  Not sure I will be able to totally catch up because we have had tons going on but I will try.  

 

Since my last update I have had an iron infusion, we took a Disney trip with grandma, a camping trip to our favorite festival OBJ and to Ft. Desoto, started fostering cats/kittens through a crazy kitten season, Lexy turned 8 and had a rainbow celebration and we took in a one month old little girl foster placement….. yikes I didn’t realize how busy we really were until I saw it typed out.

 At the end of April I finally went in to have an iron infusion.  My doctors had been encouraging me for sometime to have one but it was expensive and inconvenient so I kept putting it off.  My levels continued to creep down and I was feeling pretty rung out. My doctor warned me that if it continued to drop I could be looking at a blood transfusion instead… nobody wants that.  It took most of one day at the cancer center to get the iron infused in my blood and the procedure was super easy and painless.  The days after turned out to be a lot harder on me than expected.  I had almost a week of the worst flu symptoms ever but after the side effects subsided I began slowly feeling better and continue to do so.  In my labs last week my levels were almost in the normal range. Thank goodness.  I am glad I did it and am glad it is behind me.  My hope is that it triggered my body to start working properly again and I will never have to do that again.

The month of May begin with mama taking me and the kids to Disney for a few days.  She has a Disney card that she had been saving points on for a few years.  We stayed in one of the Disney hotels and had so much fun.  We planned and shopped ahead to save money.  We stocked up on Disney stuff from clearance racks and the dollar store. We all counted down the days until the trip.  We also packed matching outfits and special snacks and lunches for each day.  We spent 2 nights and 3 days in the magic kingdom it was truly magical.  Grandma’s have a way of making everything so special.

 

Mid May the kids and I packed up the camper and headed to Orange Blossom Jamboree our favorite camping festival of the year.  It was my first time pulling and setting up the camper by myself.  Of course I had friends waiting to help me get it parked and set up when we arrived.  OBJ is filled with lots of love, friends, music, nature, art and kids activities.  It is something we enjoy and look forward to every year and this year did not disappoint.

http://www.orangeblossomjamboree.com/

In June we decided that we were ready for new kittens since the loss of our sweet Sunny.  I found a rescue that had several to choose from and we adopted Rayne’s kitten that he named “Tomcat Pilot in the Sunshine” and Lexy’s “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”.  We also saw that there was a huge need for foster homes for cats and kittens during kitten season so we signed up to help.  Through the season we were able to rescue and find homes for 10 kittens/cats.  We have one little guy left to find a home for and have decided to take a break until next kitten season.  It was a very fun and rewarding and I think a great learning experience for the kids.

 

http://www.stfrancisrescue.org/animals/cats

Pilot and Lucy

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Tomcat Pilot in the Sunshine

Our last little guy looking for a home. Lake

Mid August I began to get the itch to camp and get away so the kids packed up the camper again and headed to Ft. Desoto a few days with my friend (the kid’s Aunt) Jackie.  We had a gorgeous site right on the water and enjoyed the nature (even the raccoons that tried to steal our food) and much needed time away.  Again I was feeling empowered by pulling and setting up the camper myself.  I had a few little hiccups with the awning and gas but made and through and had a great get away.

http://fortdesoto.com/



August 25 Lexy turned 8 and she requested a rainbow birthday party.  It was so fun!!  We invited our friends the Campbell’s… one of the great things about being in the foster family community is many of our friends have very large families so we only have to invite one family and it’s a party.  Our village came together and made Lexy girl feel very special.  She is such an amazing little girl and deserves grand celebrations.  

 

I had put our name back on the placement list for a foster baby a while back but it was on my mom’s birthday September 4^th we got the call for a one month old preemie little girl. She spent a month in the hospital but was healthy and strong enough to be released to our home.  She is beautiful and sweet!  Her mom is facing lots of challenges right and she could not be released to her.  Allegedly the mom is having mental health issues and also problems with drug use.  She used while pregnant but thankfully sweet M tested negative.  She came to visit her baby in the hospital under the influence and the nurses reported it.  When the investigator went to the home she also found her to be under the influence and hazards in the home that prevented M from being safe.  There are also several men involved with a history of domestic violence.  The good new is since M was taken her mom has really stepped up and is getting her “work” done before even ordered by the court.  No doubt she has lots of challenges ahead but perhaps this is just the wake up call she needed.  For now we are happy to have her and care for her and plan to love on her for as long as she is here.

Not long after the placement of the baby I started feeling a little under the weather.  I chucked it up to stress, exhaustion, and poor diet due to meeting the around the clock demands of a newborn.  Last week it got unbearable and when getting up for M’s morning feeding I nearly passed out.  I made an appointment I went to see my beloved rheumatologist.  I told her of my dizziness, heart pounding, shortness of breath and all over feeling yuck.  She listened to me and quickly took an EKG.  My heart rate was 150 (normal is 70) and irregular.  She insisted I see a cardiologist as soon as possible.  Thankfully Monty has a good report with one that he works for and they got me in the next day.  He diagnosed me with a heart condition called supraventricular tachycardia which is a very treatable.  It is something I was born with and usually shows in women around the age of 40.  My understanding of it is I have two currents in my heart and most people have one the cardiologist told me that my heart can not maintain the way it is working now.  I have the procedure scheduled to fix it next Wednesday at Pepin Heart Institute.  The surgeon come highly recommended and I feel like I am in great hands.  They get to my heart from a vein in my leg and cut off the extra current.  If it is on the side that they can easily get I could be released that day (that is what I am planning on) if it is on the other side I will likely have to spend the night because they will have to cut through my heart to get to the problem.  I have peace with the procedure and such an amazing of network of love and support.  My sweet friend Karen (also a foster mom) is helping me with M until the procedure.  I have family and friends offering to take care of all of us and anything we need.  From what I understand it is a straight forward procedure with a quick recovery. Every challenge I face it just reinforces just how very blessed I am.

We have started back homeschooling and soccer starts next week.  I have to be back up and running very quickly …..Everyone knows mama’s don’t have time to be sick.